Yes, those. The ones you are wearing. The ones that look like leggings and make strangers blush and laugh nervously in your presence. Or how about that other pair you can’t walk or cross your legs in. Also, don’t think we didn’t notice those jeans that aren’t staying up past your butt even with a belt on.
Sorry, man, they gotta go. They all gotta go.
Don’t beat yourself up though. Finding the right fit of jeans is a very common struggle for men, so you are in good company. Count these as minor mishaps; small stumbling blocks along the way of emerging into your best self, if you will, and we are here to help hoist you up out of the mire you have unwittingly found yourself in.
We recognize there is a fine line between “just right” and “for the love… please go change.” For many men this can be a tough gray area to navigate. We are here to help with some classic pointers. Overall, the look you should be going for is pretty simple: clean and put together.
How do you know whether your jeans are too tight?
That’s a great question. Here are six of the key warning signs those jeans you are wearing are too tight:
Um, we can see your penis
Leave a little to the imagination. Please. It should never look like an artist can sit down with a pad of paper and a graphite pencil and sketch an accurate depiction, including every shadow and every crease, of the junk in your pants.
Also, think of it like this: Would you wear those jeans around your mom? If the answer is no, then do yourself and us all a favor and retire them. Or ceremoniously burn them.
Are your jeans too tight? Uh, yes.
Dude looks like a lady
To be clear, there is nothing wrong with a dude looking like a lady. If you are in fact looking for the right pair of jeans to wear with your favorite pumps, then by all means, wear those super skinny tight jeans.
However, if that is not your goal, then recognize that if someone were to see you from behind and surmise you meant to pull off heels with that butt-accentuating outfit, then your answer is clear.
Are your jeans too tight? Yes!
Does it pass the 90 degree knee and pinch tests?
If you cannot comfortably lift your knee to a 90 degree angle, then your jeans are too tight. Just like no one should be able to see every outline of your package, neither should they be able to trace every outline of your well-formed thighs. We get it, you workout. Let’s remember the goal though: to look clean and put together. Erring on way-too-tight communicates you are trying too hard. Let those thighs you worked so hard for speak for themselves.
Another quick and easy test to gage where you are on the tight-jeans meter is by pinching the side of your pants. The right fit of jeans will allow about an inch of pinchable fabric on your thigh. Nothing less, nothing more. Being unable to pinch any fabric, let alone an inch worth, is a good indicator you haven’t managed that perfectly-fitting jean sweet spot yet.
Are your jeans too tight? Sorry, man, that’d be a resounding yes.
It takes two… to take off your pants
Now, there is one scenario where having another person present to assist you in taking your jeans off would be ultra sexy. Even then, that’s to a point. Your jeans should be able to slide off relatively easily, especially if you have something much more fun in mind to do with them off.
What is not particularly sexy is your forehead beading with sweat while you attempt with your sexy half-naked spotter to shimmy out of those tight jeans. Sorry bro, the moment has passed.
Are your jeans too tight? Do you even have to ask?
The friend test
This is a classic test, and it’s all about the timing. Think Chandler on Friends. If you walk into a room full of your friends and within minutes your friends cannot withhold giving you crap about your jeans, chances are they are too tight. Kind of like how Chandler struggles to keep his mouth shut anytime Joey walks into the room wearing something ridiculous (ie. an elf costume, 18-year-old swag for an audition, etc).
Are your jeans too tight? Absolutely.
But, by comparison, if those same friends start dishing out jabs later in the evening after they’ve had a few beers and are jealously noticing the chicks fawning all over you and your perfectly fitting jeans, then you, my friend, have hit the jackpot. Cheers!
A belt can’t keep your pants on
Skinny jeans will naturally stretch throughout the day, which means the butt of your jeans will begin to sag. Occasionally, when skinny jeans are too tight, there isn’t much that will keep your jeans from sliding all the way past your butt. If you find yourself in this spot, unable to keep those bad boys up even with the presence of a belt, then need we say it?
Are your jeans too tight? Yeah, man, they are too tight.
In summary, finding the perfect fit of jeans may seem overwhelming and maybe even pointless, but once you nail down that ideal fit, it truly is a thing of perfection. You may even start carrying yourself differently, better! That, in our opinion, is worth it all.
Best of luck, and knock ‘em dead.